Stewing in Feelings

Lately, I find myself reflecting about my current situation and how my choices got me here. “What is the lesson here?” I often ask myself. There’s no response, only an intuition that time will grant me with the answers I am seeking. Until then, I practice patience and focus on cultivating my self-worth. This has been long over due.

I consider myself as the type that’s always looking for meaning in things and believe that about 95% of those things happen for a reason. I see myself as a seeker of truth and knowledge, and have lived my life with sincere determination of finding the answers through experiences. Recently, I’ve been struggling to find clarity in my purpose. I’m not used to being so passive in life and have rebelled against routine since I was a teenager, yet I find myself going with the flow more often these days, waking up to a repeat of the day before (with a few unscripted moments here and there). Life has become pleasantly mundane.

There’s something about routine that feels freeing to me. It provides me with a sense of certainty (which had fled town as soon as Covid came to visit last year). The more structured days have enabled my growth. I developed a stronger sense of self. I use a lot of my time practicing “self-love”, and as I do, feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and shame arise. They remind me that “this is not where I should be“. Even though I intellectually know that I’m taking the steps to manifest my ideal life, the idea of living with my parents as a single divorced 37 year old woman makes me cringe. I get triggered daily, reminded of how far I haven’t come. This thought gives birth to the aforementioned feelings which tell me there is a strong desire for integrity, independence, and a sense of purpose.

I’m also often visited by frequent feelings of sadness, anger, and anxiety as I catch myself playing the deadly loop of self deprecating thoughts in my mind. Thanks to the teachings provided to me in meditation, I’m aware enough to interject negative thoughts and self-talk, and answer back with a gentle reminder that “I am right where I’m supposed to be”. I realize I’ve swept my goals and dreams under the rug. This makes me feel sad. However, it’s these moments that provide me with a glimpse of a lingering dissatisfaction with where I am, and I am motivated to spark change within me.

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